Life After Baby Part 2: Wasn't As Easy As I Thought It Would Be...

Now this part is about the struggles I've faced. I'm sure I'm not the only one but it seems to help me to talk about it.  I'm probably not going to be able to express in words how tough it's been but I'll try to give you an idea.  I'm going to summarize the past 4 months and get to the spot where I've been the past month.

In total I gained 42lbs this pregnancy.  A little more than my first but totally expected that the second time around.  As I said in part 1, I felt very healthy throughout and I'm still very thankful for that.  The first 20lbs slipped away so quickly, I was excited and thought "WOW, I'm going to be able to do this. I'm not going to have any trouble getting back to my pre-pregnancy weight".

I made a point of stopping by the gym to visit throughout the first 6 weeks while I was waiting for the ok to come back.  I practically begged my doctor at 8 weeks to let me at least row.  I managed to get in a couple of workouts a week and got in on the monthly ladies lunches with the morning crew.  This was awesome!

I met with my physiotherapist and she put together a weekly program to slowly reintroduce me to the world of CrossFit.  When I met with Sarah, I confessed to what was my biggest issue at that time and still is, I was feeling anxiety every time I walked through the door.  I know, it sounds ridiculous but it's true!  I felt like I was Bill Murray in Ground Hog Day.  EVERY TIME I walked through that door it felt like the very first time I walked into Indestri for Foundations.  I would like to point out that it wasn't the people.  Everyone that I saw made me feel so welcome, that they were happy to see me back.  But for me, it was everything I had in me to walk in.

The first 2 weeks of that program I started to feel better, great in fact.  I thought "I can do this".  But then I got sidetracked.  I wanted so badly to be at Indestri but also wanted to take full advantage of the fact that I had the summer off.  So the girls and I would take off for days at a time to the trailer.  Sometimes I would pop in when I was home but it was so much easier to find stuff to do instead.

I have to say before I get into too much of my struggle, that I have loved every minute of this summer.  I will cherish the memories that I've made with my family at our little trailer in the Bruce.  I am so thankful that I could spend all this time with Ciara as she deals with the transition of not being my only child anymore.  We've had some truly bonding experiences us girls AND Parker has made a point of taking more time at the trailer with us then at work.  Again, probably not something that is going to happen again for a very long time.

So my struggles...
As I mentioned above, I had a real issue getting comfortable going back to the gym.  In fact, I ended up leaving it until September 2nd as my ultimate date of return.  I had to stop beating myself up that I wasn't there.  It's not going to be any easier, that's for sure, but I will be there.

When I hit a morning class a couple of weeks ago, it was a running WOD.  I hadn't been doing much running but was sure happy to take on the workout.  Unfortunately, my body wasn't ready.  Later that day my ankle seized up and I've been slowly working on loosening it up ever since :(  SO we'll add injury to that list of struggles.

Another struggle was my self image.  I know I just had a baby but to me, that was 4 months ago and I'm ready to get my body back.  I've been at my pre-crossfit weight for almost 3 months now.  Not moving a pound!  And that Pre-CrossFit weight is plus 20lbs!!  On my little 5' frame, that's a lot.  With this plateau came the drop in self-esteem (running back into old habits).  Sometimes I forget that I'm 40 and that my body doesn't respond like it used to.  OR is that just another excuse?

I'm struggling with getting back on the Paleo wagon.  Something that I adapted to so well when I first did it.  But now, I blame it on everything.  "I don't have time to make something so I'll just grab a piece of toast".  Or "it was all that was available"  Or "it's summer.  What's a burger without a bun?".  This has been ongoing until 2 weeks ago when I found out that I truly do have a gluten intolerance.  I got really sick a couple of times after having bread.  So I stopped eating but wasn't really reading labels.  Much like sugar, wheat is in everything!  I had a doctor's appointment and she confirmed it as I was showing signs of a mild case of colitis.  Well, there you have it, I now HAD to get back on that part of the train.  So for the past week, I've been completely wheat and gluten free.  I'm starting to feel the benefits of that for sure.  No more bloaty nasty feeling every day.

Not only did I cut that stuff out but I also added something to my daily routine, a shake.  I was not getting enough calories in during the morning.  I could feel that I was lacking energy, that when I fed Camryn, it was like she was draining me of any energy source I had.  I know from experience how important calories in and calories out are.  One burns a lot of calories breastfeeding and I was not bringing enough in.  I needed something to help.  Now I'm not one to buy into a shake program.  It was something I did long ago when I was looking for that quick diet fix.  So this took a lot of decision and research on my end.  Maybe I didn't get all my facts right but for now, it seems to have been a good choice.  I am now drinking an Isagenix IsaLean shake once a day.  For now I am using it as a meal replacement BUT that is not my long term plan.  Right now it's my breakfast that I had been missing every morning.  Once we are back to a routine (next week), I will be making my batch breakfasts to be reheated in the morning or enough dinner for leftovers the next morning.  This was something I always did.  But those shakes, I think they'll be sticking around.  They will become my post WOD meal.  Something that I sometimes let go of but now I can't.  If I'm going to burn more calories by adding CrossFit into my life and still breastfeed my baby, I need to increase my calorie intake.  SO, while I'm still figuring out how to organize my life, IsaLean it is.  I should also add though that have felt amazing this past week.  Could be the fact that I'm not making myself sick with wheat belly or it could be the shakes and added calories.  I don't really know but for now, it's working.

And here I am exposing myself:

It's not a miracle change but just the fact that I actually 

wanted to do something with my hair today is a big step...

So after all that, how am I feeling?  I feel exhausted, anxious, down, miss my friends/social life, and so on and so on.  I feel like I'm slipping back to the old me, the one I try so hard to forget.

I'm ready to change all of this next week!!  I am going to get back to that Michelle I know I can be.  I am going to make a point of doing something once a week for me ON TOP OF my CrossFit time.  I can do this.  And with the support of my friends and family, I know I will succeed.  I know I've put a lot of pressure on myself and want to thank Parker for being the amazing man that he is.  He is truly a supportive partner in all of this.  He watches me, I know.  He jumps in when he sees I'm tired.  He also tells me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am.  I don't need to hear the beauty part but it sure helps :)