Oh the Changes I've Seen

Six years ago I made a decision that would affect many people.  That decision was the TSN turning point of my life...

Not long after my daughter was born, I began to really look at my life.  I began to see many things that others were seeing happening in my relationship, my personality, my life.  People had been telling me things that I just didn't want to see.  Sure I was happy.  I had a house, a job, a husband, a beautiful daughter.  I thought I had it made.  

Unfortunately, I was still miserable!  Sure, I had a husband but not a partner.  I'm not going to go into great detail here.  For two years I lived my life going through the motions.  It was going to get better, right?

Well, in 2007 that's when it hit me.  Nothing was going to change unless I wanted it to.  I told my husband that I was not happy. We tried counselling.  Well, once anyway.  At that meeting, my husband was "diagnosing" me according to the counsellor.  He told the counsellor I'd been depressed since my daughter was born.  That I must be suffering from postpartum depression.  What did the counsellor say to this?  He said "I don't think that's the case at all.  I think you make her miserable."  BAM!  Like someone jumped up and threw ice cold water on my face.  I finally got it.  It wasn't just that he made me miserable, brought me down in his world of negativity.  I wasn't in love with him anymore.  I hadn't been for some time.

The other crushing moment was when my daughter, at the age of 3, asked me "Mommy, are you going to be happy today?"  WOW, she was seeing and processing all of this at such a young age.  She may not have known exactly what was going on but she knew something wasn't right.  And that was when I told him it was over.  I couldn't go on pretending anymore.  The moment those words left my mouth, a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.

I'm not going to pretend I wasn't scared.  Boy was I scared!  Was I going to be able to make it on my own?  How would this work with my daughter?  Was I going to have to look for a new house?  

I have to admit.  I am one lucky girl.  I have an amazing support system of family and friends.  They helped me more than I could thank them for.  I don't know what I would've done without them.

We settled a lot of our stuff between us in the beginning.  I bought him out of the house.  We started a shared custody agreement and we were moving along.

Things started happening for me in other areas of my life.  Now that I was not dealing with all this negativity, other aspects started to flourish.  I got a promotion at work.  I started to see my friends again.  My health was improving.  Life was great.

Although there was one more major hiccup that happened over these last 6 years, one I'm not going to write about as it's not really appropriate, my life has changed in such a positive manner.  I can look back and say "yep, I'm a better person today".

One demon I was still battling up until I started CrossFit in March 2012 was my low self-esteem.  That's right folks.  For those that know me, I can put on a great show but my confidence levels were not that high.  HOWEVER, that has changed.  CrossFit and the strength it has brought me makes me feel like I can take on the world.  I have so much more confidence in everything I do.  Sure I get nervous sometimes and start to doubt myself BUT instead of running away, I go for the "well, I guess we'll just have to see what happens".  And every time I have to say that to myself, I shock the crap out of me!

I hated looking at myself in a mirror.  So, ya, I joined CrossFit to see some physical changes happen.  Boy did I ever.  When you look at the first picture, I look miserable.  The second picture, taken today, I'm happy and actually looking forward to bikini weather!

Everyone's results are different.  Not only has my body image improved (which was a bonus), I have new strength.  Strong is the new sexy!

Here are my numbers in the beginning:
Deadlift 65#, Thrusters 35#, KB Swings 8KG, Front & Back Squats 45#, Overhead Squat 35#, pull-ups with a purple band... I could go on and on.

Here are my numbers now:
Deadlift 185#, Thrusters 90#, Kettle Bell Swings @ 20KG, Front Squat 120#, Back Squats 130#, Overhead Squat 85#, Pull-ups NO BAND!

So changes, oh ya, I've had some major changes in my life over the last few years.  I'm truly thankful.  I'm blessed to have an amazing man in my life who is a wonderful life partner and father to my 9 year old daughter.  He tells me I'm beautiful and that he loves me everyday!  How can a girl not feel special :)

I have a beautiful daughter that my whole world revolves around.  I can't imagine my life without either of these wonderful people.  My life finally feels like its MINE.  Like it was meant to be.